Tag-Team Throwdown: Formula Determines Pro Wrestling Names For Each Houston Astros Player! Find Your Own!
Who's "Dirty Dinger"? Which one's "Texas Missile?" Funky new formula lets you discover what your pro wrestling name is! But, not before we uncover the new names of your favorite Astros players!
Tag-Team Tags: A Quick Wrestling Name Primer
If you’re unfamiliar with what goes on within the square ring, wrestlers have had unique and flashy nicknames for decades. One of Josh Reddick’s favorites is Ric “Nature Boy” Flair, a 16-time world champion who actually lifted his nick from the 1950s wrestling star “Nature Boy” Buddy Rogers, the first-ever WWE champion.
Reddick, of course, is the former Astros outfielder who’s been seen at Minute Maid Park games recently with his wife, Jett.
Other real and memorable wrestling nicknames are Randy “Macho Man” Savage, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Steve “Dr. Death” Williams, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, Bret “Hit Man” Hart, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Ultimate Warrior, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura.
A couple years ago, the good folks at the Astros’ Corpus Christi Hooks AA minor league affiliate, released a formula for discovering your unique and awe-inspiring wrestling name. After all, it’s never too late to start your second chapter…and, you’ll want to be prepared! But, more on that formula later. For now, though, let’s unveil……
The Minute Maid Marauders
A key cog in the Astro lineup is second baseman Jose Altuve. He’ll need to wear a “Hello, my name is ‘Southpaw Stomper'” nametag as an introduction to new players. That’s the name our new wrestling formula conjures up for him. It’ll be up to him if he wants to suddenly become ambidextrous.
The Astros’ hot corner mainstay, of course, is Alex Bregman, who now must begin his YouTube videos by introducing “Big Train” to his viewers.
Across the diamond, “Big Train” can usually find Yuli Gurriel, the newly-branded “Dirty Bruiser,” to dig out low throws.
Whether batting in front of or behind “Dirty Bruiser” in the lineup, a consistent Houston power station is OF/DH Yordan Alvarez. As a lefty batter, I’m sure he’ll welcome “Southpaw Bruiser” being emblazoned above his locker.
Rounding out the infield is shortstop Carlos Correa. “Bad News Boss” has a decision to make in the next couple months regarding where he’ll play ball in ‘22. Should owner Jim Click decide to pony up the dough to keep Correa in the Bayou City, that would be “good news, Boss.”
“Utility” is spelled Aledmys Diaz in Houston. “Killer B. Dragon,” though, is his new sobriquet, now, thankyouverymuch.
The former MarTwin Gonzalez is currently back where he belongs: Far from Minnesota, and back doing Marwin things for his appreciative Houston fans. Without Marwin’s Game 2 home-run spark in the ‘17 Series…well, let’s just say someone else would be wearing rings. If you meet him in the ring, however, call him “Dirty Train.”
Out Standing in Their Field
Outfielder Michael Brantley has planted himself firmly into the Astros’ attack. Son of former major leaguer Mickey Brantley (Seattle Mariners, 1986-1989), Brantley the younger has been known as “Junior.”
Former Astro outfielder George “Walk-Off Boss” Springer affectionately dubbed Brantley “Uncle Mike.” But, “Junior” and “Uncle Mike” just won’t do for “Big Stomper.” Sorry, George.
Jake “The Rake” Meyers has become a sudden and welcome bolt of lightning in the ‘Stro lineup. He wears the number 6 of the other Jake…Marisnick, who’s on his fifth team in two years! Jake’s on the San Diego Padres this week.
Meyers, though, looks like a Minute Maid keeper for quite a while, and he’ll appreciate his wrestling moniker, “Doctor Bruiser.” Expect opposing pitchers to quiver noticeably when the receptionist intones, “The Doctor will see you now.”
Kyle Tucker, after years of being on every other team’s shopping list, is finally proving why the previous front office suits kept saying “no” to trade overtures. “Ninth Inning Bazooka” is locked and loaded for maximum collateral ERA damage.
“Alexa, who is Siri?” Dominican native Jose Siri provides outfield support for the Houston Nine. “Walk-Off Chopper” is hoping for the playing time and the opportunity to prove his wrestling name more than appropriate.
Chas McCormick (the erstwhile “@ChazzyFizzz” and “Chazmanian Devil”) may need a bigger suitcase to carry any more nicks! But, for now, add the “Doctor Fireballer” arrow to his nickname quiver (and pray Dusty doesn’t move him to the ‘pen).
Catchers in the Wry
Martin Maldonado has the respect of the Astros’ pitching staff. They appreciate his game-calling chops, as well as the occasional offensive support his bat can provide. “Doctor Dragon” can join “Machete” as the name above his locker.
Jason Castro is on his second tour of duty with the Astros, and is a solid presence behind the plate, and sports a valuable lefty bat. “Bad News Bruiser” juggles playing time with Maldonado.
Garrett Stubbs is that rarest of diamond species: A speedy backstop. “Walk-Off Stomper,” though, is improving his pitch-calling and offensive numbers, with two veterans to guide him.
If Only the Mound Had Ropes & Turnbuckles
Fan favorite, Lance McCullers, Jr., hammers home the team’s medical pedigree with “Doctor Cowboy.” Fittingly, “first, do some harm” is his motto, as his killer curve operates with surgical precision on unwitting opposing hitters.
Lefty Framber Valdez proudly wears “The Ultimate Dinger,” despite the ironic allusion to those who carry a bat.
Zack Greinke’s “Dirty Cowboy” seems like a wrestling name he could pick up and run with…in the right boots, of course!
Luis Garcia is coming into his own, but he’s doing so with the slightly unsanitary “Dirty Cracker Jack,” even considering the prize inside.
Jake Odorizzi chugs along with his “The Great Train,” as he focuses on keeping his pitches from ultimately reaching the tracks in left.
Having spent the summer on the shelf, Jose Urquidy is on the road to a comeback. He does so with the new moniker, “Tiny Stomper,” as if several weeks with an injury wasn’t bad enough.
Rotation ace Justin Verlander would never forgive me for not disclosing his new “The Ultimate Missile” label, arguably the team’s most spot-on new wrestler name. Still recovering from Tommy John surgery (and awaiting free agency to determine his future), Justin and the Missus, Kate Upton, just acquired a new, six-and-a-half-million dollar waterfront manse in Jupiter, FL.
A double-island kitchen, pool, and putting green are just a few of the more mundane amenities of their tony new digs. Sounds like they may just be setting up for near-term retirement instead of firing up the attorneys for a negotiation powwow.
Bullpen Brouhaha
While Brandon Bielak started six games in 2020, relief is now his calling card. “Big Fireballer” has 63 Ks in his 76.1 innings pitched in his MLB career (through Sept. 12, 2021).
Yimi Garcia, acquired from the Miami Marlins at the ‘21 trade deadline, has 235 strikeouts in just over 223 career innings. It’ll be up to manager Dusty Baker, going forward, to work in the bullpen fire of the “Dirty Dragon.”
Alabaman Kendall Graveman, owner of a power sinker, was another trade deadline acquisition after six years with division rivals, Oakland and Seattle. “Dirty Cracker Jack” is consistently used in high leverage, late-innings situations.
Cristian Javier has morphed into a multi-inning reliever after starting the season as a starter. “Stone Cold Train” is certainly flexible, but it remains to be seen if he can make Houston’s post-season roster.
Phil Maton, brought over from Cleveland in July for outfielder Myles “Walk-Off Cowboy” Straw, will now be known as “Doctor Train.” He’ll be taking appointments with rival hitters throughout the playoffs.
Brooks Raley looks to be saddled with “Honeybutter Bruiser,” but the former Aggie can gather his rage, and turn it into fodder for future dominance.
Ryne Stanek’s “Walk-Off Chopper” seems to imply a game-winning ground-out, but like “Honeybutter,” he’d do well to make lemonade out of a nickname lemon.
Fireballing Josh James isn’t likely to reject “Stone Cold Train,” while mostly-closer Ryan Pressly might not be nuts about “Lead-off Cracker Jack,” inasmuch as he’s never had a Major League plate appearance in his seven years.
“Ninth Inning Dragon,” though, hits the sweet spot for Blake Taylor.
Your Turn:
